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European Union to change the shape of its citizen’s heads

February 5, 2008

(AP, Brussels)

The European Parliament today announced a new scheme under which the citizens of the now 28-countries club will be better prepared for the rigours of applying for a special new type of a passport which incorporates enhanced security features such as a microchip and radio transmitter. Such passports will allow the EU to sniffle on its citizen’s lives even more efficiently than ever before, allowing for example for a remote readout of the citizen’s data and his photo via the imprinted radio transmitter.

Previously citizens were baffled by strict standards, under which photographs were to be submitted; by the incapacity of the various governments to handle the printing of such hi-tech passports or simple glitches in the transmission (shall we say translation) which sentenced some citizens to torturous month long delays in processing. Thankfully under the paternalistic gaze of benevolent Eurocrats and European MPs new guidelines have been issued that regulate, stipulate and order its citizens where to look on the photographs submitted along with the application, what clothes to wear; how large their head should be; what skin colour they need to have; and how they should smile.

“Our citizens are like meek sheep,” said the the new Czech Minister for Foreign Affairs Karel Schwarzenberg, “they don’t know how to photograph themselves, so we created this nice little website, which explains it all. So no more bad photos, kids, we have a guideline for you” The Czech Embassy in Washington DC, has graciously offered to host this guideline. The link to it is to be tucked away in the corner of an insignificant webpage and is only to be in Czech.

The Czech Ministry of Foreign Affairs has submitted an abstract of the guideline along with the official commentary:

Figure I:

Citizens can not wear a cap or any kind of cheap looking shawl. Furthermore Muslim women who decide to wear a scarf have to smile, but only if the scarf casts no shadows on their face.
Men on the other hand are not allowed to smile, open their rotten mouths or raise their eyebrows. They are required to look bland, stupid and straight into the camera.

Figure II:

Citizens can not look like a white alien, neither have lines drawn on their face. Their heads have to be physically between 250 mm and 250 mm tall and 200 to 250 mm wide.

Figure III:

Citizens who cannot hold still can not be issued a passport, as well as those who have nasty blue acne. Citizens who are a little bit too white or yellow also disqualify for a passport.

Figure IV:

Citizens who have too dark complexion, or who cast any kind of shadow are also ineligible for a passport.

Women are not allowed to have long hair, they should timidly look into the camera and not try on some fake sexy side looks. Worst of all orgasmic looking closed eyes are also not allowed.

Figure VI:

Best of all the EU is not interested in citizens who have any kind of plants, have painted their walls or who have a boyfriend. Likewise Matrix style glasses are not allowed, especially not the one that shine.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    February 5, 2008 6:27 pm

    Yeah, this development is not good. (to put it mildly)

    Interested in joining in another political forum? Then stop by at


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